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20 Ways to Show Love

Prof. Keith Scott-Mumby — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 16:34:32 +0000

These ways to show love are a code of behaviour and, as such, it cannot be enforced upon anyone. The word ‘burden’ is chosen advisedly though it need not have a negative connotation. Merely it should not be undertaken lightly. Hence it is a burden of responsibility to those who wish to invoke its powers.

However, such a code of agreement and the expression of ways to show love between two lovers can also be a source of reason and joy in their lives together. Indeed, if a relationship doesn’t inspire these values it is hardly worthy to be called such.

20 Ways to Show Love

Above all, live in the present time, not existing as a blur with past events, past people and places, past dreams and past habits. Love is NOW!
Develop the climate of communicating freely and encourage the other to do so at all times.
Listen helpfully when the other is burdened with care, avoiding antagonism or criticism, even if it hurts you. Add comment only if invited (and not much of even then).

Ensure that both partners share the responsibility of solvency and security. Do not leave it “up to the other”.
Apportion the work within the home and connected with living together equally. There should be no excessive load falling on one or the other individual.
Never disparage your partner behind his or her back, especially to gain sympathy or advantage. Honour, praise, and defend your lover against all criticism and calumny by others.
Be worthy of the other’s trust. Tell him or her the truth and harbour no secrets that you wouldn’t wish known. Faced with doing something you wouldn’t want your partner to know, stop and consider: you are about to betray his or her trust. Seen in those terms, you probably wouldn’t want to do it anyway.
Be model adults with offspring. As a man, allow them to perceive male courtesy, wisdom and strength. As a woman show them your guile, grace and capacity to love and nurture.
Discuss all problems in private and never attack hurt or shame the other in public (this means not in front of the children or any other family, as well as strangers).
Forgive quickly and return the tone to love and calm as soon as possible after a quarrel. Do not harbour grudges or resentment towards your lover EVER. It is a folly which reflects on yourself to consider your loved one in some way flawed.
Never use sex – or the withholding of sex – for spite, gain or punishment of the other party. Sex is a joy given by Higher Power to inform your lives and not a tool for crude human leverage.
Share the creation of a safe space a way to show love in which each person, and any offspring, can flourish, express themselves freely and feel cherished.
Never put material values or family property before people values. A relationship based on material worth is demeaning and lacks substance.
Be both loving and loveable. Show interest in the other’s world and remember to be less than demanding about your own interests.
Understand and support the growth of the other’s spiritual and mental domain, as well as his or her physical, property and legal rights.
Look as beautiful or handsome as you are able, since you are in effect the main ‘scenery’ of your partner.
Waste no time and as often as possible, in varied and non-mechanical ways, demonstrate your love and commitment.
When looking for ways to show love seek to give your lover values that they could not have otherwise attained without you.
Be competent, tender, loving and sincere in that acme of human relations – the orgasm. Whoever does or doesn’t ‘score’, both parties respond to affirmations of love, pride, rejoicing and pleasure at this time. NEVER NEVER utter unkind or destructive words at these moments.
Be sure you are willing to defend and protect the other, being willing if necessary to put yourself in danger. God forbid it ever happens, but if you failed at this when called upon, you would be unworthy of romantic sexual love at its deepest and most convincing. This final point is important. Biology still applies somewhat to our society. Though we live sheltered lives, occasionally the issue of life and death does surface to challenge people and is one of the ultimate ways to show love.

Bisexual Men Find It Stressful To Lie

Prof. Keith Scott-Mumby — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 02:27:42 +0000

Do I care? I’m not homophobic or anti the bisexual lifestyle (never tried either homosexuality or bi-swinging, since I have great taste in WONDERFUL women!) But I am anti-lying and secrecy, especially in this context.

It unquestionably puts a woman at risk when her partner is bisexual and (in effect) promiscuous. I think that’s despicable.

What’s got Prof. going on this, you may ask?

A new paper suggesting bisexual men have higher rates of mental health problems than gay men do, and the speculation by researchers that this burden might stem from their desire to keep their “on the side” sexual relationships with men secret.

Researchers evaluated the mental health of more than 200 bisexual men in the New York City area, over the age of 18, who were married to or in a relationship with a woman and had had sex with a man in the past year. None of the men had told their female partner about their same-sex relationship.

The study found that men who were afraid of people finding out were more likely to experience depression and anxiety and lack positive feelings.

Serves you right would sound too unkind. But I’m not sympathetic.

Notice, this isn’t the same as keeping sexual desires for men secret: they had higher rates of mental disorder than what we might call “regular” gays (is that an oxymoron? Just kidding)

Men who had disclosed their bisexual behavior to someone other than their partner, like a close friend, were not less likely to suffer one of these mental health problems. I’m not surprised. Even common sense says the ONE PERSON that needs to be told is the wife and, no matter the B*S*, a man knows if he is not telling her the full truth.

So I totally don’t go along with the rest of the research, suggesting ways the man can cope with the stress of concealment and lying to his wife. He should just fess up and give the woman the benefit of the truth.

The study was published Jan. 2, 2012, in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.

Commenting on the study, Brian Mustanski, director of the IMPACT LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) Health and Development Program at Northwestern University, said, “Bisexual groups have not been studied as much, and that is a major strength of this paper.”

Disclosing could turn out to improve bisexual men’s mental health if they received acceptance from the person they told, Mustanski said. The study did not compare the mental health of men who experienced positive and negative reactions after sharing their sexuality.

Pity; seems to have missed the point!

Love Makes Your Child’s Brain Grow

Prof. Keith Scott-Mumby — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 19:36:31 +0000

Shocking Scans Show The Real Impact of Love on a Child’s Brain

Mother’s care could do more than just keep a child comfortable. It may affect how large his or her brain grows.

Shocking: According to neurologists the sizeable difference between these two brains has one primary cause – the way were treated by their mothers

Both of these images are brain scans of a two three-year-old children, but the brain on the left is considerably larger, has fewer spots and less dark areas, compared to the one on the right.

According to neurologists this sizeable difference has one primary cause – the way each child was treated by their mothers.

But the child with the shrunken brain was the victim of severe neglect and abuse.

According to research reported by the newspaper, the brain on the right worryingly lacks some of the most fundamental areas present in the image on the left.

The consequences of these deficits are pronounced – the child on the left with the larger brain will be more intelligent and more likely to develop the social ability to empathise with others.

But in contrast, the child with the shrunken brain will be more likely to become addicted to drugs and involved in violent crimes, much more likely to be unemployed and to be dependent on state benefits.

The child is also more likely to develop mental and other serious health problems.

Professor Allan Schore, of UCLA, told The Sunday Telegraph that if a baby is not treated properly in the first two years of life, it can have a fundamental impact on development.

It also seems that the more severe the mother’s neglect, the more pronounced the damage can be.

The images also have worrying consequences for the childhood neglect cycle – often parents who, because their parents neglected them, do not have fully developed brains, neglect their own children in a similar way.

But research in the U.S. has shown the cycle can be successfully broken if early intervention is staged and families are supported.

Lead author Joan L. Luby, MD, professor of child psychiatry, said the study reinforces how important nurturing parents are to a child’s development.

[SOURCE: PNAS February 21, 2012 vol. 109 no. 8 2854-2859]

Little Furry Animal Down Below

Prof. Keith Scott-Mumby — Fri, 11 May 2012 19:21:23 +0000

In the UK it’s pussy, in Spain conejo (rabbit) and in the USA beaver (apologies if you didn’t know all that and you are embarrassed—but on my websites we don’t do coy). All references to a woman’s exterior genitalia seem to suggest a small furry animal.

The vulva-vagina is the prize for many a man’s dream (and I suppose, these days, one has to say for those who bat for the other team too).

Vaginal health is little talked about; probably less than vaginal disease even.

A new study called my attention to an interesting fact. Apparently vaginal flora can change quite significantly over time. This is issue is almost as important as intestinal flora and the subject of dysbiosis.

As with the gut, the vagina is technically “outside” the body and therefore accessible to bacteria in the environment. That’s apart from not-quite-clean fingers and penises. The body has various defences for this, to prevent unnecessary infections. For example malic acid is a natural substance found in the vagina and intended to deter pathogens.

But there is no question that the number one deterrent to pathogenic microbes is nice, friendly microbes that got there first! Just like the gut.

But apparently, this population of vaginal microbes can change quite dramatically, in quite short order—not just in response to medications either.

That’s according to a study published in the May 2, 2012, issue of the journal Science Translational Medicine.

Hitherto, all women have been considered pretty much the same when it comes to vaginal microbiota, with the same treatment, usually antibiotics.

Sometimes antibiotics work. But often not. That’s not surprising, since the natural flora are killed just as quickly as pathogens.

This time you can’t use probiotics or yoghurt, though some women I know have douched with yoghurt (one case had strawberry seeds embedded in her cervix—she’d used flavored yoghurt!) Don’t try this at home!

In this study, researchers found five basic bacterial communities, and also noted that some changed rapidly in the same woman while others stayed stable.

In some cases, the collection of bacteria seen in a particular woman would have suggested bacterial vaginitis, although these women were healthy and not experiencing any symptoms.

Changes in bacterial communities tended to correspond with estrogen levels at different points in the menstrual cycle, the particular composition of bacteria in a woman’s vagina and sexual activity.

Vaginal bacteria also can affect pregnancy and fertility. The composition of vaginal microbiota and of a man’s sperm could mean that a woman is fertile with one man and infertile with another, an accompanying editorial suggested.

“We need to rethink the way we approach women’s health and treatment and diagnosis,” said the study authors.

[SOURCE: May 2, 2012, Science Translational Medicine]

Are Orgasms Sexual?

Prof. Keith Scott-Mumby — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 01:24:50 +0000

It might sound like an odd question: of course orgasm is sexual, you say. But it may not be as clear cut as you think.

An interesting study I spotted in a special issue of the journal Sexual and Relationship Therapy showed that women could have orgasms, just from exercising. Not very sexy but sounds like good fun!

This type of orgasm I’m talking about is sometimes referred to as a “coregasm” because of its association with exercises that involve core abdominal muscles.

According to study author Debby Herbenick, co-director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University’s School of Health, Physical Education and Recreation, the most common activity associated with exercise-induced orgasm were abdominal exercises, climbing poles or ropes, biking/spinning and weight lifting.

The findings are based on the results of online surveys completed by 124 women between the ages of 18 and 63, who reported experiencing exercise-induced orgasms and 246 women who experienced exercise-induced sexual pleasure. Most of the women were married or in a relationship and about 69 percent were heterosexual.

The excitement was not just a one-off either; about 40 percent of the women who had experienced exercise-induced orgasms and exercise-induced sexual pleasure had done so on more than 10 occasions. Most of the women were not fantasizing.

So what works? I knew you’d be asking that!

Abdominal exercises accounted for 51 percent of exercise-induced orgasms, followed by weight lifting (27 percent), yoga (20 percent), bicycling (16 percent), running (13 percent) and walking/hiking (10 percent).

Around 20% of the women said they could not prevent the orgasm. Well, they might have said that just because they were embarrassed. In any case, why would you want to block it? Prudery?

Never mind masturbation: go to the gym and have fun, I say… You can get fit at the same time!

[SOURCE: Indiana University, news release, March 19, 2012]

Weird Kinky Game Arrives In University

Prof. Keith Scott-Mumby — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:27:37 +0000

The “choking game”, deliberately cutting off blood flow to the brain in order to achieve a thrill, has been played by nearly one in seven students who were surveyed at a Texas university, a new study finds.

This so-called ‘game’ is played individually or in groups and is done by choking oneself or others, applying a ligature around the neck, placing a plastic bag over the head, placing heavy objects on the chest (the study also mentions hyperventilating, which is different, in that the airway is not obstructed).

The investigators conducted a survey of 837 university students and found that 16 percent reported having played the choking game and 72 percent of those students said they had done so more than once. The average age when students first played the choking game was 14, and 90 percent of those who had played the game first heard about it from peers.

The news release from Sam Houston State University coyly does not mention the sexual aspect but it’s a well-known phenomenon. Some women like to be throttled during intercourse, to enhance their sexual experience. Sometimes it goes tragically wrong and she dies; the man is charged with murder.

It’s a very silly idea.

It’s quite unsettling to realize that one in seven have tried it, 72% more than once. You’d think college students were not so silly. Apparently, they are.

Can any subscriber tell me if this game has appeared in Europe?

[SOURCE: Sam Houston State University, news release, Jan. 18, 2012]

The 10 Main Reasons Men Don’t Want Sex and Women Have To Fight To Get It

Prof. Keith Scott-Mumby — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 17:28:06 +0000

This theme was circulated in 2006 by WebMD but without the women’s interest. Yet it seems to me that a man not wanting sex is the woman’s problem, as much as the man’s (or more so). Maybe he’s OK with no passion but that’s frustrating to the partner.

My reading demographic is mainly middle age and Boomers, so this should be a topic of interest to many readers. I have chosen the ones I consider to be the most important 10; not the same as WebMD’s selection.

The first question to ask is: is there really a problem at all? It’s widely held that men are all hungry studs and will want sex at every available opportunity. That really isn’t true for most men. Once the wild passion of new romance wears off, a more realistic agenda for regular sex may be relatively infrequently.

Also, the woman may be negative about sex. If she gives out the wrong signals, saying she is not interested, a sensitive man may respond by quenching his own desires. It’s still a problem. But I always say, you have to get the real cause to be able to make any successful change.

I recall a patient complaining her husband wasn’t up for much sex; I told her to bring him along and I’d fix him. So I did! He jumped her bones and she came back to me, very distressed. “It was disgusting,” she complained, “I’d rather go shopping than have sex at my age.”

Poor guy, I thought!

All that said, here’s a list of the ten most common reasons why men may not want sex:

Medications. Some drugs are notorious for killing libido. Blood pressure medication and anti-depressants are the two main culprits. But, again, I have seen many other substances do it. It’s often an individual thing. So if libido is low, discuss coming off medication. Try to solve the problem that required medication, instead of just masking it with drugs.
Along with meds comes alcohol and recreational drugs abuse. These are just as bad. You remember Shakespeare’s oft-quoted joke (from Hamlet) that alcohol provokes the desire but takes away the performance. Well, after a while it gets worse than that: alcohol takes away the desire too. Street drugs are often as bad. If you are in an active loving relationship, you should not be abusing drugs and drink, for your partner’s sake. Stop doing it.
Fatigue. Next comes lack of adequate rest and sleep. When we are younger, men will often stir from sleep, or put it off, even when tired, for the delights of a sexual encounter. But, as people and relationships age, sex can lose its compelling nature and a good night’s rest can be quite tempting. It is possible to be just too tired to be aroused.
Hormonal levels. Our libido comes from testosterone and as we age, particularly after 50, levels begin to fall to where they affect sex drive. Don’t let your ignorant doctor test for total testosterone; it’s FREE testosterone that affects our libido. But two feminizing hormones are also relevant and should be checked: prolactin and dihydrotestosterone (DHT). Dihydrotestosterone is simply measured indirectly, as SHBG (sex hormone binding globulin).
Undetected organic illness. This is an astonishingly prevalent causer of sexual dysfunction; it just doesn’t get diagnosed enough. If you are partnered to a man who seems to have “gone off” sex, always insist that a doctor take a proper look for physical illness, beyond the causes listed here. Heart disease, diabetes and early cancer are just some causes of physiological stress, which in turn leads to sexual de-tunement.
Obesity. Really, this is a disease state in its own right. You simply cannot be healthy and obese; it’s a contradiction. And whatever they say about cheerful fatties, my experience with most is that they are unhappy with themselves and their image. Erotic feelings do not thrive in the presence of this sort of self-directed negativity.
Out of sensory sync with the mate. Failing to meet each other’s sensory needs is probably the biggest destroyer of sexual delight. By that I mean that the man loves words, the woman likes only touch; or she likes words (“Talk dirty to me”) and he likes visuals (black panties and so forth).
Middle-age disempowerment. The “mid-life crisis” really does exist. It can start suddenly, on some trivial setback or relatively minor incident, as well as big issues, like failure, redundancy, death of a family member, bankruptcy etc. The man begins to feel uncertain about his role and achievements. Sometimes a loss of faith is the trigger.
Quarrelling. The longer a relationship survives, the more disagreements build up. It takes great wisdom and tenderness to steer these flare ups away from permanent damage to the relationship. Some spouses will punish their partner by withholding sex, but for others it’s not a matter of punishment, they just cannot muster sexual feelings when there are unresolved conflicts.
Embarrassment. Poor performance is a source of great humiliation for a man. Moreover, it becomes self-reinforcing: one failure leads to performance-anxiety and makes subsequent failures more likely. Typically, a man will avoid sexual activity altogether, rather than face the embarrassment of what he sees as failure.

Sometimes, as I said at the start, there is the question of whether there really is a low sex drive or a dysfunction. One way to test this is masturbation. If the man can muster arousal feelings and a good erection, even without reference to his life partner, then he knows that the “equipment” is working OK. There is just not enough stimulus in normal relations.

That’s at least pointing to the right problem, which can then be solved. Item #7 might be the one to focus on.

I’d just like to say a word about masturbation and “other” sources of arousal. These days porn is so readily available on the Internet, many men access it because they find it spicier than the real thing. Ladies: the problem is NOT the man indulging in porn; the porn is his SOLUTION! The problem is he’s not getting what he wants otherwise.

The Internet makes porn so readily available—just a click of the mouse—that many men who might not have sought out other sources of visual sexual stimulation (magazines, videos, movies) have found their way to locate sexual imagery online.

This alarms some sex worker but not me. Porn can be quite arousing and lead to MORE of the real thing. If it replaces physical sex relations, the porn isn’t the problem, as I have already said. So porn is NOT one of my top 10, as it is in the WebMD listing.

How Long Should Sex Last?

Prof. Keith Scott-Mumby — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 23:29:04 +0000

I came across a survey which purported to set the record straight about how long heterosexual intercourse should last.

You listen to some guys boast and you’d think it was an all-nighter. Whereas the woman often asks “Have you started yet?” when if fact it’s all over!

The verdict from men and women sex therapists surveyed was that 3-7 minutes was deemed “acceptable” and 7 to 13 minutes dubbed “desirable.”

Thirty-four sex therapists in the U.S. and Canada completed the survey. They had 26 years of clinical experience, on average; 45% of them were men.

According to the researchers, “Many sex therapists consider coitus that lasts as little as 3 minutes to be of adequate length.”

The survey was hoped to correct the public’s “unrealistic” expectations for sexual performance to last longer and was published in the May 2008 edition of The Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Well, I’m not sure if I’m “unrealistic” but isn’t it about how GOOD it is, rather than how long it lasts?

If the stars come out and the blaze of light carries you and the loved one up to the heaven’s, where you lose all track of time, isn’t that better than hours of grinding, like you were getting out sausage or salami from a meat machine?

SOURCES: Corty, E. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, May 2008.

How to get over your ex

Prof. Keith Scott-Mumby — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 16:29:18 +0000

Having trouble getting over your ex?

When my first wife ran off with another guy, I was pretty beat up. This was after thirty years of being married. It seemed like life had come to an end. I didn’t expect to get another relationship.

Friends all gathered round with advice. The best I got, though I didn’t appreciate it at all, was to go stand on the front porch and yell “Next!”

Today it’s what I advize anybody breaking up with an ex to do, before anything else!

I went through different stages you may be familiar with:

1.   I wanted my ex back. I would have had her back on any terms. I was desperate. That stage lasted about a year.
2.   The second stage, I still wanted her back but it was conditional. I would insist that we dealt with certain problems, instead of ignoring our troubles.
3.   The third stage I began to realize I didn’t need her at all but would welcome her trying to get back with me. I even dreamed of saying “No! Get lost”.
4.   By about the fifth year, I wished her well, reminded myself I loved her once and let it go.

The dreams continued, on and off, for the next ten years, incidentally. I still have them maybe a couple of times a year. No wonder: thirty years is more than half my adult life.

The important advice is this: keep it out there. Meet people. Do NOT stay home whimpering.

There may be painful feelings and these may take years to go away, depending on how long the ex relationship lasted. But they will go away—eventually, trust me.

The point was that I didn’t stand still over those years. I had some wonderful relationships with some wonderful women. I was dating (and sleeping with) delicious blondes half my age.

I kept thinking about my ex and trying get over her. People kept telling me “Let go!” But I couldn’t. It’s easy to say but not easy to do. Don’t let the fact that your ex keeps coming into mind worry or upset you. It’s natural.

You can dream that maybe one day he or she will come back to you. But don’t let that dream stand in the way of your life. Think of it as a bonus, if it should happen.

Here’s a statistic to comfort you: 85% of divorced people when surveyed said they wished they were back with their first partner! My ex has been on her own these last few years and is probably wishing she was back with me.

But it’s too late. I finally got remarried to the most wonderful woman in the world. She’s ten times the one for me that my ex wife was. Now if I ever meet the guy she ran off with, instead of wanting to punch his lights out, I’d shake his hand and say “Thank you!”

You can get more good ideas for getting over your ex from this writer, who has gone into more depths:

How To Get Over Your Ex

sudden memory loss after sex

Prof. Keith Scott-Mumby — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 22:05:17 +0000

OK, I don’t normally share secrets of my intimate private life with the public. But—you know me—wherever there is a lesson to be gleaned and it does somebody some good, somewhere, then I’m right there.

A few weeks ago I had an alarming episode that doctors call “transient global amnesia” (TGA). It’s sudden but temporary memory loss following some strenuous or stressful event. In my case it came on after passionate sex with my beloved wife.

All of a sudden, I couldn’t remember what we were doing or why. I knew who I was but wasn’t sure about the lady with me! For several hours I was quite confused about recent events and couldn’t get a grasp on things. I remember shopping at the local supermarket but not what we bought.

It may result from the deactivation of the brain’s temporal lobes and/or thalamus (the part of the brain that serves as a center for the relay of sensory information). Usually occurring in otherwise healthy persons, TGA triggers memory loss from external stresses such as strenuous exertion, high levels of anxiety, sexual intercourse, immersion in hot or cold water, and other similar conditions.

It was quite scary for me but absolutely frightened Vivien out of her wits. She assumed I had had a stroke or some serious event and from the first imagined that she’d lost me, for good. I was GONE!

Hours later my memory came back and although I am still a little vacant about those few hours (I can remember maybe 60%), my considerable intellectual powers are not diminished in the least.

In fact the curious thing is there is almost never any residual damage. What’s more it’s rare to experience this TGA more than once; certainly 3 times maximum in a lifetime. Only 3% of people who have a TGA will ever get it again.

There are no ethnic associations or inherited conditions associated with TGA. Men experience the condition more often than women. In addition, the occurrence of this type of amnesia rarely happens before middle age, with about 12 out of 100,000 people ever experiencing the condition before age 50. The most likely ages in which to experience TGA are the 50s and 60s. I’m 65 next birthday (and feel around 30 years old).

Read the rest on the main website: sudden memory loss after passionate sex