Having trouble getting over your ex?
When my first wife ran off with another guy, I was pretty beat up. This was after thirty years of being married. It seemed like life had come to an end. I didn’t expect to get another relationship.
Friends all gathered round with advice. The best I got, though I didn’t appreciate it at all, was to go stand on the front porch and yell “Next!”
Today it’s what I advize anybody breaking up with an ex to do, before anything else!
I went through different stages you may be familiar with:
1. I wanted my ex back. I would have had her back on any terms. I was desperate. That stage lasted about a year.
2. The second stage, I still wanted her back but it was conditional. I would insist that we dealt with certain problems, instead of ignoring our troubles.
3. The third stage I began to realize I didn’t need her at all but would welcome her trying to get back with me. I even dreamed of saying “No! Get lost”.
4. By about the fifth year, I wished her well, reminded myself I loved her once and let it go.
The dreams continued, on and off, for the next ten years, incidentally. I still have them maybe a couple of times a year. No wonder: thirty years is more than half my adult life.
The important advice is this: keep it out there. Meet people. Do NOT stay home whimpering.
There may be painful feelings and these may take years to go away, depending on how long the ex relationship lasted. But they will go away—eventually, trust me.
The point was that I didn’t stand still over those years. I had some wonderful relationships with some wonderful women. I was dating (and sleeping with) delicious blondes half my age.
I kept thinking about my ex and trying get over her. People kept telling me “Let go!” But I couldn’t. It’s easy to say but not easy to do. Don’t let the fact that your ex keeps coming into mind worry or upset you. It’s natural.
You can dream that maybe one day he or she will come back to you. But don’t let that dream stand in the way of your life. Think of it as a bonus, if it should happen.
Here’s a statistic to comfort you: 85% of divorced people when surveyed said they wished they were back with their first partner! My ex has been on her own these last few years and is probably wishing she was back with me.
But it’s too late. I finally got remarried to the most wonderful woman in the world. She’s ten times the one for me that my ex wife was. Now if I ever meet the guy she ran off with, instead of wanting to punch his lights out, I’d shake his hand and say “Thank you!”
You can get more good ideas for getting over your ex from this writer, who has gone into more depths:
I went through exactly the same feelings as outlined above ,but believe me it does get better, just recently I was walking my dog along the beach with my latest partner when I saw my Ex wife sat on a rock still with the person she left me for 36 years ago. I walked over and said hello and introduced her to my partner Margerat, there were no feelings there any more exept maybe a little pride to now be with a wonderfull woman who will not let me down
Dr. Keith – I am just emerging from a 3 1/2 year marriage to a narcissist. AND am cleaning up my own messes from that time period. Loss of all my monies and retirement AND working on collecting the misplaced pieces of my heart and soul. I let you down, personally, some years ago and wished to let you know of my regret. Your works and ideas are still valuable to me – more so that I am climbing out of the black hole of “non-reality.” I am DELIGHTED to see you are still out and about and most productive.
Nice to know you are back Becky! And good to know you are on the way up, not the way down.
Keith